Tuesday 16 June 2020

Retro - Thornton United 8 Lower Hopton Reserves 1 (West Riding County Amateur League - Division Two - 2015-16)


12th December 2015

Thornton United 8  Lower Hopton Reserves 1  (West Riding County Amateur League – Div. Two)

Some days you simply never forget, and not always for reasons you would expect.

Take today, I was expecting to have to wait until the New Year to take in Thornton United, my last remaining ground in the West Riding County Amateur League, only for a home game to be hastily re-arranged after last weekend, meaning a gap would be filled.

Not only that, with it being a plastic pitch (which I am now fast running out of), I had less concerns about the weather than I perhaps ordinarily would. To be fair though, on the day, pretty much the entire North of England was a complete wash out with the persistent torrential rain, including the Football League game at nearby Bradford City.

Mindful of the unexpected postponement of a few weeks ago, when I had to do a detour to Bradford FC, I made the prudent decision to text the secretary to confirm all was ok, and he was quickly back to me with positive news.

The journey was exactly the same as the one previously, fairly straightforward until the last two or three miles when it got a bit sticky, and at this time of year, it does get a touch worse on the roads. I arrived at the ground and saw the welcoming sight of cars in the car park, and players in the dressing rooms, something that was sadly lacking last time round!


One of the home players confirmed to me that the game was definitely on, so I made a few enquiries as to the proximity of a local hostelry, and was soon on my way to a place less than thirty seconds in the car. Upon entering the pub, I noticed it was somewhat quiet, and it looked as though I’d stumbled across the final stages of a kids party, in the sense that the place was being cleaned up while the DJ was packing his kit away.

Yes, I had indeed wandered into a club that had only been opened so a party could take place, however, after explaining that I had been sent by the nice chaps at the football, and working on the principal that the clean up operation looked as though it would be a lengthy one, they happily served me while the hoovers were working away around me. Little did I know though, all was not well back at the football ground.

When I got back to the ground I wandered down to the pitch side and noticed that Thornton were happily warming up, and a number of Lower Hopton officials were present, taking shelter from the now heavy rain under some cover at the front of the school buildings. The kick off was due to be 2.00pm, but by 2.05pm, no sign of an away team, and no sign of any match officials.

Eventually, the Thornton players left the pitch and wandered back up to the dressing rooms, uttering suggestions that the game was off due to the visitors not having a full team available. That was confirmed when I took a walk back up myself, but what was also clear was that the visitors had a plan in mind, they had eight players and could conceivably start the game, but were refusing to do so, obviously trying to get the game called off. However, a couple of players seemed to be hiding in parked cars, and when that became apparent, one or two people, including myself, had a word, and suddenly the eight became ten, and before you knew it, some more cars appeared and not only had we got a full team, we also had subs!

I have to say the referee was very good here, he could easily have accepted what Lower Hopton told him and just called the game off, but his experience told him to be firm, and not simply let them get away with the shenanigans they were trying to use to pull the wool over his eyes. Thornton were not overly impressed by this, and also in fairness, the Lower Hopton officials who had also wandered up, were equally unimpressed and made it clear to the Manager (who was a different chap to the one last week), that they were letting the club and the league down badly. A couple of the more experienced Lower Hopton players I spoke to were not happy at the events, one of them describing it as a shambles, and in fairness it was the younger players being difficult as opposed to the older ones, you would have thought they would have been keener to play?


So, with a potential blow out averted, we finally got underway just after 2.30pm, thankfully they had working floodlights as it was very gloomy in the now torrential rain. And that was the thing, without an umbrella, I was inevitably going to get soaked to the skin.

The game was reasonably tight in the early stages, but Lower Hopton lost heart completely as it wore on. They were 3-1 down at half time, but then in the second period they conceded five goals inside half an hour, and it came as no surprise that the referee called time with almost fifteen minutes remaining. The result stood of course, but it was getting to a stage where it had become a procession, and in the conditions, neither side was really enjoying it. Everyone wanted to go home, it was the right call to make.

This was where the real comedy started though, I was absolutely piss wet through and wasn’t at all looking forward to driving home. I have driven home from a game in just my pants before, but to be truthful, even they were wet by now, I was in a quandary. That quandary got significantly more troublesome though as I left the ground and tried to work my way down a muddy slope. I failed, and ended up flat on my back, so not only was I soaked, I also had mud from head to toe, I simply could not drive home like this!

A brainwave came to me, inside my car was the fancy dress costume that I’d worn to film a sketch for our work Christmas Party, if I could manage to remove the clothes that were now stuck to me, I could try and get dry and then put that on. It wasn’t easy, I threw my sodden and muddied coat in the back, and then put my cardigan down to try and protect the front seat. Once in the front I removed my shoes, socks, jeans and pants, I was now stark naked, but as it was dark, and the windows were steamed up, I didn’t seem to be putting myself in any great danger of being arrested!

Using the cardigan to dry myself as best I could, I put the top half of the costume on, slid the bottom half on, and managed to slide on my soaked shoes! In case you were wondering, I was one of the Village People, and to be specific, the soldier!

So, I had to drive through Bradford, the Muslim capital of England, on one of the busiest Saturday’s of the year, dressed as Norman Schwarzkopf, this was going to be fun! But drive I did, and get home I did, but not before Rachael in her infinite wisdom asked me to call at Tesco on the way back for some milk! I obliged, but not without kicking up something of a stink.

Like I said at the start, some days you just won’t forget, and I also think when I let this story slip out to some of my football friends, I can safely assume it’s a tale that will find its way into local groundhopping folklore!

The bath, when I walked in the house though, was a heavenly experience, and very welcome indeed!

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