Wednesday 28 November 2018

A Pint Of Lager (But What About The Crisps?)


Epworth Town Colts  5  Retford United Development  2

Central Midlands League – Division One North

Sheridan Smith OBE is one of the finest talents currently performing on stage and screen.

The 37 year old is famous for her work in shows such as ‘The Royle Family’, ‘Benidorm’, ‘Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps ’ and ‘Gavin & Stacey’. Deserved critical acclaim came Sheridan’s way after starring in ‘Cilla’ and ‘The Moorside’ amongst others, while this year she played a dark yet funny role in ‘The More You Ignore Me’, a film about a Mother and Daughter obsession with Morrissey. Oh, and she can sing, bloody well in fact, having been nominated twice this year for a BRIT Award.

So how the hell have I managed to link Sheridan Smith to a blog report on a Central Midlands League game played in the North Lincolnshire town of Epworth?

Easy really, you see Ms Smith was born and raised in Epworth, and in fact went to school at the South Axholme Academy, which so happens to be precisely where Epworth Town Colts play their homes game. Anyway, back to the football for the time being….


Colts were elected members of the newly formed Division One North at the start of the season, along with fellow Scunthorpe League side, and neighbours, Crowle Colts. With the weather set fair and some positive tweets from the club about the fixture, it was time to make the hour long journey via the M1, M18 and M180 to the Isle of Axholme.

Upon arriving at the Academy, around an hour before kick-off, I was in something of a muddle. You see, if you wander from the car park round the North edge of the campus you find some sports pitches, one of which was marked out for football, complete with corner flags, ‘Respect’ tape and warm up cones on the surface. That all boded well for what was about to happen, except, I couldn’t see anyone, there was no sign of any life whatsoever? I had a wander down the side of the college and found nothing, so went back to the car park.


It was then that I saw a chap wandering about with a sports bag over his shoulder, but he also had the tell-tale sign of wearing a tie, this, quite simply, had to be the referee. I chose to follow him, he ended up in the sports centre next door, and as he came out of the building looking somewhat bewildered, I decided to engage in conversation.


He was indeed the referee, he too was lost and confused, but he had been pointed in a specific direction for the changing rooms and such like, so, I followed. It was just as we approached a building that had a plaque with the clubs name on it visible through the window, that we saw Retford United running out onto the pitch to warm up. With no refreshments available, it was time for a quick walk down the road to the White Bear, but, more on that later.

Epworth went into the game with a won four, lost four record, but, last weekend they too a right slamming in the cup at Bakewell Town, losing 11-0. Retford on the other hand sat fourth from bottom with only two wins this season, but one of them came last weekend when they won 9-1 against AFC Bentley. If anything it suggested goals!


The pitch sits at the very back of the complex, lined on two sides by tall trees, with housing on a third side and the college buildings on the fourth. The dressing rooms are a good distance away and that may hold back the clubs progression in years to come.

Otherwise, on a lovely Autumnal day, we were treated to an entertaining spectacle, which saw the hosts take a two goal lead, before visiting Retford equalised straight from a corner. Epworth then scored a third goal, and in the process of this the Retford goalkeeper suffered an injury and couldn’t continue.


This was pivotal, because almost straight from the kick off Epworth scored a fourth goal, followed by a fifth to leave the half time score an incredible 5-1.

Retford steadied the ship somewhat in the second period and did pull another goal back, but Epworth also saw substitute Billy Ball dismissed following his involvement in an on-field altercation that at one point looked like it could get out of hand.


No more goals followed, but it ended up being a deserved three points for the hosts. Noel Burdett was the Epworth hero, netting a fine hat-trick, with the other goals coming from William Gravil and Harrison Coley.

So, onto the pub, The White Bear, a lovely venue, a short meander from South Axholme Academy itself, but let me describe the conversation…

“Can I have a pint of lager, and a packet of cheese and onion crisps please?”

I was met with..

“I’m sorry sir, we don’t do bar snacks.”

What? No bar snacks? Call yourself a pub?

Sheridan, next time you are back in Epworth you need to use your influence, can you nip in and have a quiet word in someone’s ear? It’s just not  the Archer under Runcorn Bridge is it?

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