Brian, Sue & Mottram Moor

Hindsford  5  Prestwich Heys Reserves  1

Manchester Football League – Premier Division

I’ll be honest, I don’t really like people very much.

I can’t really define who or what caused my misanthropic tendencies to come to the fore, but certainly since I got into my forties, my tolerance of the human race in general is at a pretty low point, and I can’t see it getting any better!

I’m not an angry person, nor am I a ranter or a raver, in fact I think I’m a pretty balanced individual, those close to me would probably agree with that. However, I know what I like, and I know what I don’t like, and sadly, a large proportion of society fits into the latter category.

I do 25,000 miles a year in my car, so I see a lot of things out there on the public highway, from the bizarre to the ridiculous, from the funny to the downright stupid, but I have one absolute pet hate, drivers cutting in at the last minute when they need to change lanes or at road works.

These individuals are basically cheats, put on the earth to irritate the living hell out of us obedient and courteous individuals who follow the moral code of road manners. If I was a North Korean despot for example who wanted to ‘lose’ a large proportion of my population for some political and genetic purposes, I would go straight to the nearest motorway roadworks and unleash the contents of an AK47 on anyone who tried to cut in into a queue of traffic at the last minute, and then, I would hunt down the parents of the said offenders and do the same as ultimately they should be held responsible too!

Myself and my mate Steve have a proud record at Mottram Moor, the notorious bottleneck that is effectively the gateway to Manchester from North Derbyshire and South Yorkshire. Mottram Moor is a hotspot for such road cheats, because typically all traffic into Manchester has to get into the left hand lane, while the right hand line services Stalybridge and Ashton Under Lyne.

The trouble is, the cheats will typically get into the right hand lane, get right up to the traffic lights and then try to cut in, which is not only hugely annoying for us in the queue, it also really winds up the genuine right turners who are blocked in.

So, what is our proud record? In our combined driving careers, never once have we let a car push in on Mottram Moor, we simply cannot let it happen, but we do tease from time to time, by leaving a tempting gap but then at the last minute shooting forward so as to block it off. It’s fun, but at the same time you do wish only pain and suffering on those attempting such a grievous outrage.

It works a bit like this, in your door mirror you will see trundling up on the right hand side a car, maybe a Lexus or a Jag, or maybe even an ageing top range BMW or Merc. It will be driven by a couple in their sixties (Brian and Sue), he will be dressed in a Pringle sweater and will be slightly obese, she will be a cross between Hyacinth Bucket and Queen Victoria. He sold the engineering business he built from scratch after leaving school with ‘nowt’, and now they are living a ‘happy’ retirement in Derbyshire after previously living in the suburbs of Manchester. She never worked, she did kids and kitchens, but both of them think they are pretty special.

They are on their way to Old Trafford, you see he always wanted to have a box but he couldn’t afford one, but his mate could, so they are reliant on the kindness of others to take their leather padded seats on matchday. She’s dreading it, it’s always the same, he drinks too much, starts to get lecherous with the waitresses and then starts to put her down in front of their friends. Then he insists on driving home despite having drunk large quantities of Chateauneuf du Pape. The day will end with an argument, every day does, but they have the house and they have the lifestyle, they both have too much to lose.

Complete With Vans - The Players Car Park

Despite Mr’s ‘love’ of football, he’s never been to a Manchester League game before, and in all honesty he never will. His only knowledge of the league comes down to the fact that some of the lads on the shop floor used to ask to finish early some nights to make the games, but otherwise as far as he was concerned it was pub football.

Brian and Sue are in a rush, that’s why they are in the wrong lane trying to push in, but when I give them the hard stare, neither of them will look me in the eye. Mrs is firmly focussed ahead, muttering something while adjusting her leather gloves, Mr, despite the tailback behind him, is too stubborn to admit he’s in the wrong, he has the skin of a rhino, he didn’t get where he is today by doing as he’s told and obeying the rules.

I’m not in a rush, I’m off to watch a game of football, proper football, where tea comes in mugs and beer comes in cans. Where you don’t need a car park pass, and the players cars are vans.

The Overspill Car Park - Not A Place For Those In A Rush

The kick off is 6.35, not because of TV, because the right back is stuck in traffic and both sides agree to cut half time down by a few minutes to stop the light becoming an issue.

This is proper football, this is the wonderful league that is the Manchester Football League, and over the past few months I have grown to simply love it. Tonight I venture up Mottram Moor and eventually down the East Lancs Road to Tyldesley to watch Hindsford play Prestwich Heys Reserves. 

To be truthful, there is nowhere else I would rather be.

The one way system in the centre of the Tyldesley brings you nicely onto the road that ultimately becomes a dead end, and that is the signal to say you have arrived at the home of Hindsford AFC. A sloping pitch, fully railed off, with dressing rooms and a clubhouse that is currently going through a big refurbishment programme are the key features of the ground, along with a small floodlit football court with an artificial surface.

"Where Are The Prawn Sandwiches Brian?"

Hindsford took the lead early in the game from a goal that looked outrageously offside, but the very young liner failed to spot it. A second goal followed but then Heys got back into the game and halved the deficit.

Hindsford did well at that point to take the sting out of the game and ultimately their patient and composed approach lead to a third goal that effectively settled their nerves and indeed the game itself. 

Two more goals followed as a rampant and impressive looking home side went on to record a 5-1 victory.

The crowd were appreciative of the effort and the entertainment on show, these were proper football people, watching proper footballers, doing it for the love of the game. I lose my misanthropic tendencies when I’m around these people, my kind of people, I feel at home.

Brian and Sue would not have felt at home, besides, they would never have got out early to beat the traffic, the car park was blocked. Welcome to our reality.

So, next time you are driving up Mottram Moor, keep an eye out for Brian and Sue, and no matter what you do, don’t ever let them in, otherwise it will be tantamount to letting the prawn sandwich brigade take over the game we know and love.

The Manchester Football League – Formed long before 1992.  

Not Dreams - Reality