Tales Of The Unexpected

Derby  20   Nuneaton  17

Regional Midlands Division One

Admission / Programme – £5 / Gratis

It would have been some point over the Summer when Mrs and Master H joined me on a walk around Darley Park in Derby, which included passing alongside the Haslams home of Derby Rugby Club.

I commented to Mrs H that I’d never watched a game at the club, and in all honesty, as much as it would have been something a bit different to do, the likelihood of ever going was slim, mainly because games seem to only be played on a Saturday, and of course that would conflict with my first love.

I’ve been to a few Rugby League games over the years, but as far as the Union code goes, I’ve only ever been to two games. I went on a freebie back in 2014 for a Friday night game at Welford Road where Leicester lost to Bath in a cup tie, whereas I made an impromptu decision one Saturday in October 2016 while watching football in Northern Ireland, to head to Ulster v Exeter in the Heineken Cup at Ravenhill later that evening. Now that was a cracking night, Ulster won by a point, and I have to say it was a tremendous occasion in Belfast.

The death of Her Royal Highness as we all know, lead to all football being postponed on Saturday 10^th September. I have a view that maybe this wasn’t the right call to make, largely because other sports continued and paid their own respects accordingly, but at the same time I respected the decision. What it meant though was that I suddenly had a very unexpected opportunity to pay a visit to Derby, who were at home to Nuneaton in their first home game of the season.

I had no idea what to expect if I’m being honest, I didn’t know how many would be watching, where I could park, or how much it would be to get in. I was well and truly winging it, and as far as having any sort of knowledge of levels, standards and indeed the rules, the word ‘naïve’ springs to mind!

My online knowledge told me that Derby played in Midlands Division One, but where the next step is after that I’m not sure? They won their opening game of the season away at Lichfield, and as I drove the short distance down the A38, I felt a sense of anticipation, an excitement of entering into the unknown.

Arriving around an hour before kick off, I was fortunate to get one of the final spaces in the car park that sits at the Haslams Lane end of the ground. Admission was a fiver and you got a free programme with it.

It looked like it was going to be a busy afternoon, what I think was Derby Colts v Dronfield was taking place on one of the two outer pitches, while the players for Derby Thirds v Ilkeston were on the other pitch. A barbecue was also up and running outside the clubhouse with a decent crowd assembled on the patio already.

The main pitch is an artificial surface, which I don’t seem to think is all that common when it comes to Rugby Union, and in Derby’s case it's fully railed with hard standing, while on one side of the pitch is a seated stand which is set back from the playing arena on top of a raised bank. Floodlights are also in place, but I suspect they mainly come into use in midweek for training etc.

The clubhouse is a cracker (as you would expect at a rugby club), located on the top floor of a two story building, it’s spacious and very impressive inside, bedecked with much memorabilia, and as the game moved towards kick off it filled up nicely. Mingling with the spectators were club officials, dressed in very distinctive gold and black striped blazers (the club colours), very smart they looked, I’ll have to mention that idea to Belper Town FC……..

You could watch the game from the balcony in front of the clubhouse, but I chose to get pitch side to watch the action close up, and, as I wasn’t 100% on some of the rules, I though being that bit closer to it might give me a bit of a steer (in hindsight it didn’t!)

So, the game, and I’m kind of going to cheat a bit here and give a chronological account of what happened (with significant help from the Derby RFC Twitter feed!). Lewis Hancock gave the home side an early lead with a try, but the conversion was missed, then almost directly from the re-start Nuneaton scored and converted to make it 5-7.

With me so far? Good, well Hancock scored again and the conversion was once again missed to make it 10-7, but the Nuns were soon back into it and just before the half hour mark they pushed over for a try and found themselves back in the lead.

Nuneaton missed a couple of penalties early in the second period, but then they scored their third try of the game and found themselves at the right end of a 10-17 score line. It did look like the visitors had it in the bag but Derby then found some drive and energy and with ten minutes to go Hancock scored his hat-trick try in the corner, we were set for a tense and exciting finish.

Josh Bingham converted the try to bring the scores level at 17-17, and then as we moved into the fifth minute of injury time, Derby were awarded a penalty, and up stepped Bingham. The crowd went silent, the Nuns shook their heads in disbelief, the ball went through the posts, 20-17.

More injury time was played but Derby hung on, two wins from two, and joyous scenes at the end as both sets of players applauded each other off in the traditional way.

I reckon close to 200 were watching the main game, and I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed it. A trip to Haslams is a very good afternoon out, and should the opportunity present it itself in the future, I’d definitely go again. I’ve got an awful lot to learn about the game, no doubt about it, but then again if you asked me to explain the latest technicalities of the offside law and the VAR protocol in football I’d be struggling if I’m honest.

As an absolute minimum, Derby RFC have gained a new Twitter follower!

Steve's Tours

Beckenham Town  3   East Grinstead Town  1

FA Cup – First Qualifying Round (Replay)

Admission / Programme – £10 / £2

Every once in a while (November 2010 was the last time), Steve plays an absolute blinder and suggests we head off on a long midweek jaunt down South to take in some football.

The aforementioned occasion twelve years ago wasn’t initially intended to be in a Southerly direction, we were actually about to head North to a game on the outskirts of Hull, only to find it had been called off, so instead we decided to head to a little place just off the M25 called Broxbourne Borough. That bit was easy enough, except when we arrived the fog was so bad I couldn’t actually find the entrance to the ground! We needed a Plan C, which came in the shape of Three Bridges in Crawley, you see when we phoned them up and asked about fog they laughed, and that was good enough for us!

It turned into a memorable night, I got truly imbibed and as we headed back down the A52 between the M1 and Derby on the way home, we drove past a car wheel that was trundling on it’s own down the carriageway. Somewhat perplexed, we drove a little further only to see what looked like sparks coming from a car that was also trundling merrily down the road! As we got closer the car was indeed missing a wheel, with the driver staring straight ahead, seemingly blissfully unaware that she was missing a crucial component. As a result we had a mini firework display going on where the wheel should have been!

We still laugh about it now, one for our very own folklore, Three Bridges beat Ringmer 3-1 by the way, don’t ask me for any more detail because I don’t have any, other than I seem to recall a very nice hot dog accompanying the lager!

So, Beckenham Town, following a promotion from the Southern Counties East League last season they now find themselves in the Isthmian League. That meant they dropped onto both of our hit lists for the current campaign, but as Steve was going to be the driver, I left him to tell me when the date was going to be.

Ramsgate in the Kent Senior Cup was the plan, a Tuesday night in September, the only thing that could put a spanner in the works, other than the obvious monsoons / plagues / traffic disasters was a potential FA Cup Replay, but that wasn’t a real spanner, it just meant that it wouldn’t be Ramsgate, it would be East Grinstead Town. That’ll do, a 2.15 pick up from Belper Towers was arranged, Kent here we come….

The journey was pretty steady going to be honest, it was a bit sticky around the M25 in the area around Enfield, but other than that we were straight over the Dartford Crossing and heading into the Garden of England.

The last stages of the ride into the vicinity of Bromley were pretty straightforward but then it became apparent that a very heavy rain storm had hit the area prior to our arrival. Flash flooding was visible in the streets and small rivers were running down the sides of the roads as the drainage struggled to cope with the deluge. We’d seen none of it, but hopefully neither had Beckenham's pitch!

The last couple of miles were a bit of chore but eventually we were turning right into the car park, something like four hours after we set off from Derbyshire. From that point afterwards, all I can say is that everything about Beckenham Town is simply first class. 

The welcome at the turnstiles, the friendly atmosphere in the bar, the excellent facilities, the quite outstanding playing surface, the food, the drink, the fans, just great. Both of us had a huge smile on our face pre-match as we watched the crowd make their way in (my smile perhaps helped by the lager of course), partially aided by the gathering of the South Eastern variant of the groundhopper that I have to say is in a different league to what we see locally, I’ll leave it at that……..

I dropped a tweet (is that a bit like a DJ dropping a banger of a tune?), proclaiming our efforts to get to the game and I have to say the response I got from the club, and some of the fans, on the back of that was fantastic, it further strengthened our initial impressions that this was a great football club.

The ground then. Well, it’s not the easiest to describe if I’m honest, largely because it has a plethora of pitch side structures that keep even the most ardent of photographers busy. A collection of covered terraces and seating areas adorn the stadium, but in simple terms you can be seated or stand on either side under cover, and you can also be under cover behind one of the goals.

We chose the stand at the end nearest the clubhouse, this after the clubs Twitter account had recommended we go and see Yvonne in the Tea Bar for a burger with extra onions. Yvonne, it appears, was ready for us…..

So, the game, well I have to say we were mightily impressed with Beckenham. The hosts created numerous chances in the first half and took the lead through Louie Theophanous, a lead they took into half time but in all honesty it could and should have been more.

Beckenham scored a second just after half time when a fantastic cross from Archie Johnson was turned home by Tyler Anderson. East Grinstead pulled a goal back through Matt Daniel but the home sides two goal advantage was restored when Theophanous netted his second of the game.

The visitors went down to ten men in the last minute of stoppage time when Harrison Parker saw red (or was it a second yellow?), which in turn lead to the referee and linesman having to confer to get the card colour correct, and even now I’m not sure what the outcome was, Parker got bored of waiting to find out and left the field, knowing one way or another his game was done!

198 paid to watch the game, including a deputation from Dartford who the winners were scheduled to face. As I write this, Beckenham will be celebrating right now because they’ve come away from the National League South high flyers with a very impressive 2-1 victory.

The journey home wasn’t too bad, we went via the Blackwall Tunnel and then out to the M11, pausing only briefly at Toddington for a comfort break. Arriving home just after 1am I can honestly say on this occasion, no three wheeled cars were spotted on any dual carriageways.

Beckenham Town though, a great club, on the up, and apparently very accessible by public transport if you can find a day when the trains aren’t on strike. Give them a visit, I can guarantee you won’t be disappointed.

Good old Steve, same again in 2034? 

Drinking & Trains

Wake Green Amateur  4   AFC Birmingham   2

Midland Football League – Third Division

Admission / Programme – Free / No

At the start of each season, I like to pick out a place to visit that is reasonably local, but can be done via public transport, for primarily alcoholic reasons!

So, when I spotted that Midland League newcomers Wake Green Amateur were playing at a ground that was a ten minute walk from Shirley Railway Station, had a pub opposite the ground, and a clubhouse that served during the game, my mind was well and truly made up!

I sent Steve on a reconnaissance mission a couple of weeks earlier and he did indeed confirm that I would be happier than a pig in the proverbial at what awaited me, so, the date went in the diary and plans were made, which included getting the necessary clearance authority from the higher order that is Mrs H!

The drill is relatively straightforward, get the train at half ten from Belper to Derby, then hang around a bit until the Birmingham train departs. It’s always entertaining at a main line station on a Saturday morning watching the football fans mingling, we had Forest fans taking the Michael out of Derby bedecked in red on the way to a home game against Bournemouth, while the famous ‘Green Army’ from Plymouth was arriving in town for a day out at Pride Park. The local constabulary paid a passing interest but all seemed to go off peacefully. Myself, I was the Wake Green One…….

Planned engineering works meant the Brum train took a longer than normal route via Lichfield and Sutton Coldfield, annoyingly slowly it has to be said, which meant I had to get my skates on a little to get out of New Street and over the way to get the Shirley bound train from Snow Hill Station.

Snow Hill was not thronging with football fans as the Wake Green One clambered aboard the train destined for Whitlocks End, so within around twenty minutes I was jumping off and setting off on the short walk to The Holloways home of the club that moved up from local football at the end of last season.

The first destination was the Drawbridge Inn, which sits right next door to the Shirley Lift Bridge, a structure that crosses the Stratford Upon Avon Canal. I like a bridge, but I prefer a Drawbridge that sells lager so I gave the sightseeing a miss and decided to take up residence while the Merseyside Derby was playing out on TV.

All was good in the World, players were turning up in the car park over the road, I had a pint in hand and a cheeseburger was on order, this was a proper football day out, ok, it wasn’t quite like last seasons jaunt to AFC Wimbledon which started in a pub at Liverpool Street at 9am, but it was great all the same.

I saw Wake Green on the opening weekend of the season in a 3-3 draw at Solihull Sporting, since that point they had won all four outings, it was looking pretty good for them. Visiting AFC Birmingham had only played a couple of league games though, drawing one and losing the other, a 4-0 defeat at Solihull Sporting incidentally.

So, suitably refreshed, the short walk over the road was managed with the minimum of fuss and as if by magic, the clubhouse door was held open as I made my way into the second drinking establishment of the day. It was ten to three, and time to set up camp for the afternoon at pitch side.

The clubhouse sits on the top of a bank, and if you don’t mind carrying a chair from the outdoor seating area you can very quickly be nestled next to the respect rope that prevents us marauders from invading the pitch. Two pitches adorn the complex, the first team playing on the one nearest the clubhouse, and this, as I said, has a rope on the one side that sits atop the bank, while on the side opposite are some advertising boards fastened to a barrier. Beyond the main pitch is another one that I assume is used by reserves / thirds / fourths / oldies etc and that sits down another slight slope from the main pitch, a game was taking place but I’ve no idea who was playing on it.

The game itself was a competitive one, Wake Green came from behind to win 3-2 making it five wins on the bounce for the hosts. Two goals for Nathan Percival and one for Alex Wilkins secured the win for Wake Green, while AFC Birmingham’s goals came from Taylor Homer and Finbarr McCarthy. On that, does anyone else of a certain age right now immediately think of the Viz character Finbarr Saunders (Fnarr Fnarr!)? No, just me then!!

Ok, so the day wasn’t all about the football, it was about the opportunity to enjoy the refreshments, to imbibe, to experience the loudmouth soup, to let ones lack of hair down. It was all of those things, but like anything, the best made plans don’t always come to fruition.

You see, the referee was a bit of stickler, we had a delay at the start when the nets weren’t adequately secured down, and then we had injury time, plus a lengthy half time. Consequently the second half went on, and on, and on, to the point whereby even a modest jog at the final whistle couldn’t prevent me from missing my planned train.

I had to wait over half an hour then, which cocked up my Birmingham connection, and then with the train to Derby still being on a go slow it meant I missed the hourly connection to Belper I had assured Mrs H I would be on! I did phone to advise, but by now, I had a feeling she didn’t believe me, because clearly I’d gone pub hopping after the game…….

Anyway, I thought better than ask for a lift back from station, and instead chose to walk, which gave me the chance to compose myself before entering through the door. Of course, gentlemen, the issue in these instances is that we try to overcompensate don’t we? My whole demeanour was just too unconvincing under the circumstances, I was trying too hard to pretend I’d only had a couple, and while I certainly wasn’t steaming, neither was I sober as a judge, so why pretend to be anything else?

Mrs H smiled, and trotted off to bed, she knows me only too well. Sometimes saying nothing is the best policy. Anyway, so just how far from Coventry station is Dunlop’s ground, only I’ve had an idea……..

Leftfield

Beverley Town  0   Swallownest   1

Northern Counties East League – First Division

It came a bit out of leftfield if I’m totally honest.

The Humber Premier League has not been a prolific provider of clubs to the National League System over the years, I can recall the ill-fated Hull United a few years ago making the move but that was more of an overnight success / flop than the promotion of an ambitious established club.

So when it came to light that Beverley Town had applied for promotion back at the turn of the year when the lists were revealed, for those not local or in the know, it was somewhat unexpected.

Research suggested this was indeed an ambitious and established club, with clear plans to meet the criteria to gain the promotion they were looking for. It was indeed one to keep an eye on, as opposed to being a highly speculative attempt which had no substance or indeed, no chance of succeeding, which of course we sometimes see in the South for example!

Beverley Town were founder members of the HPL back in 2000, and over the years have been one of the more successful outfits. The championship was won in both 2013 and 2014, while two consecutive third placed finishes were achieved in the years preceding the COVID disruptions. When 2020-21 was cut short they had won 14 of their 15 games, while last season they recorded a second placed finish. Second place was indeed enough, along with the appropriate ground grading, to get them into the Northern Counties East League.

So, they go on the visit list, and once the fixtures were released I spotted quite a handy looking midweek possibility in late September, but, a late change of plan on the Tuesday after August Bank Holiday saw an about turn, for indeed the boys From Swallownest were due in town and it was simply unmissable!

I’ve never been to the town of Beverley before, located just North of Hull, I’ve been to a couple of places pretty close to it for football, notably Bishops Burton (Westella & Willerby), Hutton Cranswick (Hutton Cranswick United), and Dunswell (Hall Road Rangers), but Beverley, nah!

The run from Sheffield was a veritable doddle, M1, M18, M62 and then a long straight road through North Cave took me to the edges of the town. I have to say though, what a lovely town it is, in hindsight it would have been a good place to go on a Saturday with Mrs H where we could have wined and dined in the many bars and restaurants, but anyhow, she will have to make do with Crosby in October! Beverley Minster certainly caught the eye with the sun shining on it, but that would have to wait until another day, the Norwood Recreation Ground was calling!

Upon arrival, I have to say I was very impressed with both the facility and the work the club has done. You drive down a narrow lane and if early enough you can get a parking space just before the driveway that runs up to the club buildings and football pitch. Admission is paid at the bottom of the driveway and as you walk up, immediately to the left is the cricket field. On the right towards the top is the clubhouse, while the dressing rooms sit on the right.

The pitch runs lengthways at the very top and is currently accessible for spectators down two thirds of the first side you arrive out, behind one goal and halfway along the dugout side. This is largely I suspect due to the proximity of the cricket field. A small stand has been erected in front of a large building which sits next to the clubhouse, while the most recent addition has been the floodlights.

One other thing that stood out was the warmth of the welcome. Steve and I took up residence in the bar (for research purposes, obviously), and a couple of club officials took the time to chat to us, offer us the chance to purchase merchandise, and I suspect if we’d have asked nicely enough they might have let us run out with the teams as mascots for the night!!

Now then, I don’t normally comment on footy scran, but I have to say, the catering on offer was quite superb from the van. A local company have been bought in to provide the snappage and the loaded chips with cheese and bacon were not of this level of football! It’s worth a visit for that alone, oh, and I almost forgot to say, admission was a mere £3.50 for Step 6 football, which is as cheap as it absolutely gets.

Beverley have had a decent start to the season, but I have to say against Swallownest they were a touch laboured. In front of a very good crowd of 272 (they got 334 for their first home game), the visitors Jack Haslam scored after eighteen minutes, and despite having a good proportion of possession, an equaliser couldn’t be found.

The future does look to be bright for Beverley Town, and having decided to take a slightly different route back to the M62 via the Western edges of Hull and the tip of the Humber Bridge, it was a chance to reflect on the fact that sometimes what goes on in terms of non-league football and it’s structure can be very predictable, occasionally you can get a very pleasant surprise.

I would urge you to head to the East Riding and see that surprise for yourself. 

ISECESEX

Worthing  1   Eastbourne Borough   1

National League - South

I talked in my last blog about the profound influence the Mark & Lard Radio Show had on my formative years, well, at a similar time a certain TV show was equally influential in terms of my behavioural development!

Men Behaving Badly was the epitome of laddishness in the mid to late Nineties. Along with my old mate Tim, we would spend hours watching episode after episode of Gary and Tony’s lager fuelled antics, going to great lengths of try and replicate some of the mis-adventure that characterised their lifestyle.

One episode sticks in the mind and that was the one where Gary was invited to a conference at the seaside courtesy of his employers, and in his wisdom he chose to take Tony with him along with their two respective girlfriends. It didn’t go smoothly of course, a giant fish was stolen from the roof of a seafront pavilion and then had to be somehow disposed of, while Gary ended up falling for a fellow conference delegate.

The International Security Equipment and Services Exhibition, or ISECESEX, saw the famous four holed up in the Groyne View Hotel in the South Coast resort of Worthing, and while there was a sense that Sussex’s finest was being mocked a little in the episode, it is remembered fondly it seems to this day within the town as being a moment that gave Worthing it’s moment in the national spotlight.

I’ve always remembered it, and whenever I think of Worthing, I think of Gary and Tony stumbling around drunkenly on the beach. But, as I close in on my fiftieth birthday, I can honestly say that I’ve never once set foot in place. It was about to change though…..

Just before the World fell apart in the Spring of 2020, I made the journey to Havant & Waterlooville for a National League South game and at the time that was a landmark moment because it meant I’d visited every football ground in the top six tiers of England.

The only changes since that point have been the new homes of Brentford and AFC Wimbledon, but this time around a new name appeared on the list and that came courtesy of the recently crowned Isthmian League Champions, yes, Worthing.

I did plan to go by train but a lack of budget options, notably on the run between London and Sussex, put me off that idea. Then I talked to Steve about maybe us travelling together when he was going to nearby Littlehampton Town (Steve has completed the top eight levels, he’s better than me!), but finding a weekend when the two were at home, and, it didn’t coincide with a Manchester City home game (Steve is a season ticket holder), didn’t prove easy.

So, I tentatively looked at August Bank Holiday Monday, I mean, it’s not like it’s going to be busy on the roads is it? Anyway, I pondered on it, sought assurances from Mrs H that it wouldn’t lead to a courtroom, and made my decision on Sunday morning that the plunge was going to have to be taken, I mean, a local derby against Eastbourne Borough, what’s not to like?

I had a lovely run down, the M1 and the M25 were pretty well behaved, and then it was round the edges of Leatherhead and Dorking before the A24 took me via Horsham to the edges of Worthing. I really enjoyed the drive post the M25, it was a road I’d never sampled before (apart from visits to Leatherhead and Dorking), and it was only the last few miles to the seaside town they had no intentions of closing down (spurious Morrissey link) that proved to be a bit sticky from a volume of traffic point of view.

That said, it wasn’t long before I was parking up on Woodside Road, a short work from the stadium where the players and early bird spectators were starting to show up.

So, the Worthing story, what’s it all about?

The club joined the Isthmian League in 1977, where they bobbed up and down the divisions for a number of seasons but then in 2015 a former youth player in the shape of George Dowell stepped up to become the majority shareholder, and subsequently turned the clubs fortunes around.

George Dowell’s story is a remarkable one. In 2010 he was involved in a serious car crash which ended his playing career and confined him to a wheelchair. The compensation money he received was used to help the club, firstly wiping out debts, laying a new 3G pitch, and giving the clubhouse a modern day makeover.

He went on to create a community football hub at Woodside Road, and re-appointed Adam Hinshelwood as manager. The club was to go from strength to strength, winning promotion from Isthmian Division One South in 2015-16, beating Faversham Town in the Play Off Final, and then after two abortive COVID hit seasons when they started out as promotion favourites, they finally won the Premier Division last season.

So here we are today, and, they’ve made a very decent start to the National League South campaign, as I write this they are seven games in and remain unbeaten. But let’s start with Woodside Road, and to be honest, I really liked it.

You enter the ground behind the goal, where there is uncovered terracing to the right side (the away end) and covered terracing to the left. Various food and drinks outlets are dotted about, but then as you work your way round to the left you find the tall and imposing main stand, which contains a bar and the dressing rooms underneath (the main clubhouse sits outside the ground). The opposite end is terraced with an area of shallow cover while the side opposite the main stand is terraced for the full length with another small area of cover in the middle.

Is it football ground porn? Not hardcore I would say, but it’s certainly top shelf, and the reason for that is that while improving the facilities as they’ve had to do, it’s kept it’s character and it still has an old school charm about the place. Yes, visit it, you won’t be disappointed!

So having parted with £15 I made my way to the bar under the stand and had a latch lifter in readiness for the game. A big crowd was expected, and it was segregated, although in hindsight despite the distance Eastbourne didn’t bring a huge amount with them and to be fair, the atmosphere was jovial and well behaved. Both sets of fans made plenty of noise, but what happened on the pitch?

It was a game of few chances, and it was Eastbourne who went in at half time with the lead when James Hammond curled in a free kick on the half hour mark. Worthing had plenty of the ball as the game moved into the second period but struggled to create many real clear cut opportunities.

They found themselves at a man advantage on the hour mark when Borough’s Elliott Romain saw red for bouncing his elbow off of the nose of a Worthing player, but then with two minutes to go following a recycled corner kick Callum Kealey managed to nod the ball home from close range. The draw was probably fair, Worthing had a lot of possession but Eastbourne were well organised and put in a real shift to get something out of the game.

The crowd was 1662, and given how tight the roads were around the ground, I legged it at the final whistle and made sure I was away before any sort of gridlock set in! The journey back wasn’t quite so pleasurable with M25 being the proverbial pain in the rear around the M3 / M4 / M40 intersections, but it was back through the front door at 8.40pm, a great day out, and a proper job done!

I never did get to see though if the plastic fish has found it’s way back onto the pavilion roof!

Stop! Carry On......

Edgbaston Spartans  5   PS Olympic   2

West Midlands Regional League – Division Two

Without any shadow of a doubt, the greatest radio show of all time was on Radio One on weekday afternoon’s, the Mark & Lard Show.

Mark Radcliffe and Marc ‘Lard’ Riley hosted the show between 1997 and 2004, building up a huge cult following, and winning many awards along the way.

What made it so good is that for the bulk of the show you found yourself crying with laughter, and, the acid test of course was the fact that you would find yourself repeating lines and phrases to friends and colleagues, I for one loved to walk into the office in a morning and cry out ‘Biggidy Biggidy Bong’ to the team!

The list of classic features is endless, many of them spoofs and downright wind ups, but for me things like ‘Beat The Clock’, which gave the classic line “Stop! Carry on……”, One Man And His Frog with Scoff Cruddle, Fat Harry White (and his soft top Bedford Rascale!), and of course my favourite, ‘It’s A Mystery’, were absolute classics.

‘It’s A Mystery’ was hilarious, basically a penniless social misfit would call the show, and have the simple task of identifying a mystery voice, which clearly they never managed to do, coming up with ridiculous answers. The prize money was a massive five pounds, and the contestant would always reply when told of the award on offer

“Five pounds, blimey Charlie, it’s a lorra cash.”

All things come to an end though, I listened to the last ever broadcast in my car, sat in a car park in Dronfield, with a tear in my eye. The final song they played was Crazy, Cray Nights by Kiss, which kind of summed them up. The reality was though, the World was becoming more politically correct, Mark & Lard were close to the line on that, and I guess they weren’t the image Radio One were wanting to portray.

It's over twenty years since I first discovered the show, and even today I find myself repeating lines in my head, it must be an age thing, but I suspect one or two of you reading this now have got a smile on your faces as it brings back a few memories!

So, what the hell has this got to do with a West Midlands Regional League game played in the Erdington district of Birmingham, well I’ll come onto that later, but first, what are Edgbaston Spartans all about?

Spartans are a relative newcomer to the West Midlands Regional League having played games at a few venues over the years, all of which I’d previously visited, but then it came to light at the start of the current campaign that they were playing at the Hollyfields Sport and Conference Centre in Erdington, and that rang a bell.

Turns out I’d been to a game round the corner at the Holly Lane Sports Ground, which was also home to a Gaelic Sports Club, but Hollyfields itself, that was a new one on me. I’ll be honest though, I hadn’t actually been planning on going to this particular game, I’d got one pencilled in for later in September but when my original plan of a game at Punjab United was postponed the night before, I quickly had a re-think and re-set the sat nav accordingly.

The club itself is a well known grassroots organisation in West Midlands football, albeit they were only formed in 2020 by two Greek friends called Dimitrios Ampatzidis and Giani Ntente. The whole idea behind Spartans was inspired by the plan to create something that would assist in the promotion of Greek and Cypriot footballers in the Birmingham area, with the view of creating an academy where talent could develop.

I have to say on first impressions, the move to Hollyfields is a positive one. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect when I rolled into Erdington, but once in the car park you can’t help but be pleasantly surprised by what they have available to them. A couple of full sized pitches are at the complex, but the main pitch on the right is fully railed, and has a small area of cover on the half way line. From the signage it looks like the principal users of the facility are a club called Hollyfields FC, which I think may be a Sunday side.

The dressing rooms sit in the corner of the complex but behind the goal next to the car park is the hugely impressive conferencing facility, with it’s smart bar area and kitchen which cooks to order from a good sized menu. It also has a large outdoor seated area to the front, so if you weren’t in the car, it was a good place to visit! Yes, Spartans have landed on a good one with this venue!

The game proved to be a very entertaining one with the hosts running out 5-2 winners against a PS Olympic side who are Dudley based, and are newcomers to the league this season.

The Spartans goalscorers were Yakubu Idris Yakubu, Jhon De Blas and a hat-trick from in form striker Erman Kaloti who propelled himself to the top of the league table for goal scorers after four games. Credit also to goalkeeper Muhammad Sufian Souleman who made a vital penalty save when the game was delicately poised. For the record, Will Massey and Calum Wyant were the goalscorers for Olympic.

All is looking good for Edgbaston Spartans, but where does the five pounds come into it?

I’m going to have to be careful here, but I’ll just say it how it is. Mid-way through the first half I was approached to purchase a match ticket, which for West Midlands Division Two is something that occasionally happens, in the sense you need to pay admission, a couple of quid maybe. I asked how much a ticket would cost, and was told it was five pounds…

“Five pounds!” I said to myself, “Blimey Charlie, it’s a lorra cash!”

But please, don’t under any circumstances let it put you off, a great club at a great venue!

Footprints

Moulton  5  Rugby Borough  3

Spartan South Midlands League – Division One

The change in footprint of leagues at Steps five and six of the pyramid can be seen most starkly when it comes to the United Counties League.

Once upon a time when I started out on this ground hopping malarkey, and we are talking around 2004 time, the UCL covered an area that kind of started around the A14 corridor at the top of Northamptonshire going out to Peterborough, and worked it’s way down the M1 and A1 until around the Bedford area. For many a year this never changed, and also, it was one of those leagues that very rarely had any newcomers from Step 7. I can recall Oakham United (albeit they were Rutland), and I remember Harborough Town, but other than that it’s been a league that’s not really seen a great turnover of clubs.

Then it changed when the FA deemed the appropriate thing to do was to create additional leagues at the two steps. Effectively the UCL moved upwards, with two leagues at Step 5 stretching from Skegness, across to Mansfield and then down to Leicester in the North, and then below that again from the Leicester area down to Bedford in the South. At Step 6 though it was slightly different, whereby the UCL only had jurisdiction over a league that covered the East Midlands down to Leicester, and once you moved from Leicester downwards, what used to be traditional heartland had now become part of the Spartan South Midlands League.

I don’t really pay much attention to the SSML, only because historically it was a league that kind of sat North of London, and wasn’t on my spectrum (careful!). I’ve been to a few of the clubs over the years, but it’s not on a hit list so to speak.

But, bearing in mind any newcomers into Step 6 from Leicester down to effectively the M25 will now in all likelihood end up being SSML clubs, it does feel a bit strange to think that a club in say the Northamptonshire area wouldn’t be on my radar, when five years ago it absolutely would be. This is what has happened this season, in the case of Moulton who last season were promoted from the Northants Combination.

It kind of felt a bit weird, but, also, if they get promoted again to Step 5, they would go into the UCL Premier South, which is on the radar….yes, I know what you are thinking, and no, I didn’t really want to go out for a pint with you either…….!

Ok, so it niggled, and then by chance on a Monday night when I was really undecided about where to go on the following Tuesday, I happened to spot on a well known non-league forum that one or two fellow oddballs were taking in a game at said Moulton. Well, that seemed like a plan that could work as far as I was concerned.

I’ll be honest, I knew very little about Moulton, my brief research told me that they were a Northants Combination side for a number of years, and as far as I was aware, when they applied to join Step 6 mid-way through last season, it was the first time that they had thrown their hat into the said ring. One thing I did glean though was that their application was backed up in no small part by the fact they had seen significant development work take place at their Brunting Road home, with a 4G pitch, seated stand, floodlights and a smart clubhouse and dressing room complex all now adorning the site.

Moulton is a very pleasant village sitting on the Northern edge of Northampton. From the North it’s accessed via the A14 before heading South on the A508, and once arriving at the place you start to realise that it’s one of the more desirable locations in the area. The village centre looked nice, with pubs, amenities and some very smart residencies. It also seemed to host a number of educational establishments, but don’t let the prospect of students put you off visiting!

The ground is located as you leave the village on the South side, and sits at the end of a small housing estate. The narrow drive takes you to a sizeable car park, while sat in front of you raised on a plateau is the football pitch. A large cage surrounds the 4G arena, which feels more like a football ground than your typical cages that are found at schools and sports centres. For a start you’ve got a seated stand on one side, while you can walk round three of the perimeters to view the game if you so wish.

The dressing rooms and clubhouse are on the same level as the car park and having arrived reasonably early it was good to see that the bar was open and serving loudmouth soup at very reasonable prices!

Moulton had got the season off to a very good start, winning their opening three league games, scoring ten goals in the process, while visiting Rugby Borough had won their previous two fixtures, scoring seven goals in those two outings.

The formbook suggested goals, and crikey, the sizable crowd were not disappointed!

Moulton took a seventh minute lead through Joe Evans from close range, and then doubled it just after the half hour mark when the same player found the net from distance. The visitors pulled one back shortly afterwards, setting things up nicely for the second period.

Rugby equalised shortly after half time, but within minutes it was 3-2 to the hosts when Shad Reza found the net. The visitors came back again to equalise but then the game changed when Rugby defender Bradley Harris saw red with twenty minutes to go, with the resultant penalty being fired home by hat trick man Evans to make it 4-3. Moulton then went on to score a fifth through Cole Mason but not without further drama in the last minute when Evans night was tainted somewhat when he received a second yellow for a foul and then a subsequent red card.

A cracking game that had everything, and some wonderful entertainment for those who were present to watch it. So, four wins out of four for Moulton, very early days yet, clearly, but I wouldn’t bet against them being in the shake up for promotion at the end of the season on this performance.

Good job I went, because if I hadn’t, the chances are I’d be going next season anyway!

So, who fancies a pint with me while I explain how this hopping thing works again?

Anyone?