A Pint Of Lager (But What About The Crisps?)

Epworth Town Colts  5  Retford United Development  2

Central Midlands League – Division One North

Sheridan Smith OBE is one of the finest talents currently performing on stage and screen.

The 37 year old is famous for her work in shows such as ‘The Royle Family’, ‘Benidorm’, ‘Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps ’ and ‘Gavin & Stacey’. Deserved critical acclaim came Sheridan’s way after starring in ‘Cilla’ and ‘The Moorside’ amongst others, while this year she played a dark yet funny role in ‘The More You Ignore Me’, a film about a Mother and Daughter obsession with Morrissey. Oh, and she can sing, bloody well in fact, having been nominated twice this year for a BRIT Award.

So how the hell have I managed to link Sheridan Smith to a blog report on a Central Midlands League game played in the North Lincolnshire town of Epworth?

Easy really, you see Ms Smith was born and raised in Epworth, and in fact went to school at the South Axholme Academy, which so happens to be precisely where Epworth Town Colts play their homes game. Anyway, back to the football for the time being….

Colts were elected members of the newly formed Division One North at the start of the season, along with fellow Scunthorpe League side, and neighbours, Crowle Colts. With the weather set fair and some positive tweets from the club about the fixture, it was time to make the hour long journey via the M1, M18 and M180 to the Isle of Axholme.

Upon arriving at the Academy, around an hour before kick-off, I was in something of a muddle. You see, if you wander from the car park round the North edge of the campus you find some sports pitches, one of which was marked out for football, complete with corner flags, ‘Respect’ tape and warm up cones on the surface. That all boded well for what was about to happen, except, I couldn’t see anyone, there was no sign of any life whatsoever? I had a wander down the side of the college and found nothing, so went back to the car park.

It was then that I saw a chap wandering about with a sports bag over his shoulder, but he also had the tell-tale sign of wearing a tie, this, quite simply, had to be the referee. I chose to follow him, he ended up in the sports centre next door, and as he came out of the building looking somewhat bewildered, I decided to engage in conversation.

He was indeed the referee, he too was lost and confused, but he had been pointed in a specific direction for the changing rooms and such like, so, I followed. It was just as we approached a building that had a plaque with the clubs name on it visible through the window, that we saw Retford United running out onto the pitch to warm up. With no refreshments available, it was time for a quick walk down the road to the White Bear, but, more on that later.

Epworth went into the game with a won four, lost four record, but, last weekend they too a right slamming in the cup at Bakewell Town, losing 11-0. Retford on the other hand sat fourth from bottom with only two wins this season, but one of them came last weekend when they won 9-1 against AFC Bentley. If anything it suggested goals!

The pitch sits at the very back of the complex, lined on two sides by tall trees, with housing on a third side and the college buildings on the fourth. The dressing rooms are a good distance away and that may hold back the clubs progression in years to come.

Otherwise, on a lovely Autumnal day, we were treated to an entertaining spectacle, which saw the hosts take a two goal lead, before visiting Retford equalised straight from a corner. Epworth then scored a third goal, and in the process of this the Retford goalkeeper suffered an injury and couldn’t continue.

This was pivotal, because almost straight from the kick off Epworth scored a fourth goal, followed by a fifth to leave the half time score an incredible 5-1.

Retford steadied the ship somewhat in the second period and did pull another goal back, but Epworth also saw substitute Billy Ball dismissed following his involvement in an on-field altercation that at one point looked like it could get out of hand.

No more goals followed, but it ended up being a deserved three points for the hosts. Noel Burdett was the Epworth hero, netting a fine hat-trick, with the other goals coming from William Gravil and Harrison Coley.

So, onto the pub, The White Bear, a lovely venue, a short meander from South Axholme Academy itself, but let me describe the conversation…

“Can I have a pint of lager, and a packet of cheese and onion crisps please?”

I was met with..

“I’m sorry sir, we don’t do bar snacks.”

What? No bar snacks? Call yourself a pub?

Sheridan, next time you are back in Epworth you need to use your influence, can you nip in and have a quiet word in someone’s ear? It’s just not  the Archer under Runcorn Bridge is it?

Stability

Farnborough  2  Gosport Borough  1

Southern Football League – Premier Division South

For a relatively young football club, Farnborough has a history that could warrant a fairly lengthy book written about them.

Formed in 1967 as Farnborough Town, they started life in the Surrey Senior League, before moving into the Spartan League in 1972. By 1976 they were in the Athenian League, and within a season they’d been accepted to the Isthmian League. In less than ten seasons that was quite a rise.

The New Stand - Modest!

The First Round Proper of the FA Cup was reached seven times in the Eighties, but in 1989 they were admitted to the Conference after they finished runner-up to Leytonstone & Ilford who didn’t have the requisite ground grading. Relegation followed immediately but after one season in the Southern League they were crowned champions and returned to the Conference.

They survived for two more seasons, but hit the headlines in the 1991-92 season when victories over Halesowen Town and Torquay United took them to the Third Round of the FA Cup and a home draw with West Ham United. The game was switched to Upton Park and Farnborough held on for a famous 1-1 draw. The replay, also at Upton Park, saw them lose 1-0.

Crowned champions of the Southern League at the first attempt, they were back, this time for a five season stint. When that came to an end they were relegated to the Isthmian League, where they remained for two seasons until bouncing back.

The Far Side

They hit the national headlines in their second season back (2002-03) when victories over Harrogate Town, Southport and Darlington saw them reach the Fourth Round of the FA Cup, and with it came a dream home draw against Arsenal. Controversially, the game was switched to Highbury (the rules allowing clubs to do this were subsequently changed) and on the back of a huge pay day, they went down 5-1 to the Premiership giants.

It all started to go wrong after that. Graham Westley who was Manager, left to join Stevenage Borough, taking the bulk of the team with him, and two years later they were relegated to the Conference South.  In 2006-07 the club went into administration and were deducted ten points, but by the end of the season they were expelled from the Conference and reformed as Farnborough FC.

Main Stand

They were admitted to the Southern League Division One South & West which was won at the first attempt, while just two years later they were champions of the Southern League Premier Division and found themselves back in Conference South.

They missed out on promotion to the top flight of non-league football after a defeat to Ebbsfleet United in the Play-Off Final, but then it all started to go wrong again, lessons had seemingly not been learned. By the start of the 2011-12 season they had been deducted five points for providing misleading financial information to the Football Conference. The following year the club was once again in administration and were deducted the statuary ten points, which ultimately saw the club relegated. They were then demoted to Step 4 due to the clubs dire financial situation, but the following season they bounced back, and as of today, they sit at Step 3, playing in the Southern League Premier Division South.

Away End

Wow, that’s some history, and what a rollercoaster ride it’s been for the club and its supporters. They’ve seen more things in fifty years than some clubs have seen in double that time. Right now, the club appears to be on a stable footing under the Chairmanship of Simon Gardener and the CEO Rob Prince.

The first team is managed by Spencer Day, who himself is a colourful character who you may remember for being the nineteen year old who ‘saved’ Aldershot in 1990 when he was known as Spencer Trethewy. The story is well documented since, he’s also served time behind bars, but then gone on to become a hugely successful businessman,  initially he was involved with Chertsey Town, but now he is very much part of the fabric at Cherrywood Road.

Now then, Cherrywood Road, what an incredible stadium it is!

Looking Impressive

My journey from Milton Keynes was somewhat stop / start on the M25, but once on the M3 it was an easy run to the ground. The large car park leads you to the turnstiles, and once inside you are quickly hit by the magnificence of a stadium that is fit to host games in the Football League.

The focal point is the recently built seated stand that sits behind the right hand goal and can hold over 1300 spectators, while the Main Stand has been extended in recent years with executive facilities to the rear, and this can seat around 650.

Opposite is a stand that has been split into half terrace and half seating (for 1064 fans), while behind the opposite goal is some terracing that serves as an away end should segregation be required. This can hold just short of 2,000 spectators. The overall capacity is 7000, but with crowds averaging around 250, and even in the halcyon Conference days they were getting around a thousand, you do feel, in the nicest possible sense, that it might be a bit big for them?

Anyway, it was superb, and with a large sized clubhouse, very good club shop and excellent catering facilities, I couldn’t find fault with it at all.

Down The Touchline

So what about the game? Well, it won’t rank highly in terms of entertainment to be fair. Two mid-table sides battled it out on a cold night, and it was the hosts who took the lead in the ninth minute when Connor Cullen squeezed the ball home from a tight angle.

Despite going down to ten men in the second period, it was Gosport who found the equaliser when a free kick was only half cleared, allowing Tony Lee to rifle the ball home.

Just as the game was about to go into injury time, Farnborough got the all-important third goal when Marc Charles-Smith scored at the far post. Five minutes of added time was played, but the hosts hung on for a battling, if not pretty, three points. 203 spectators were in attendance, with a small number travelling up the A3 for a game that could be termed a Hampshire Derby.

The Away End - Up Close

So, as football in Farnborough moves into its 51^st season, you do wonder what the next few years has in store. One can only hope they can find some sort of stability, while at the same time they continue to do the great work they’ve been doing with the local community, in order to help lift attendances.

One thing is for sure, they certainly don’t want to be seeing any more boom and bust, they’ve had enough of that to last a lifetime!

Match highlights link below, from Farnborough FC website

http://www.farnboroughfc.co.uk/2018/highlights-farnborough-2-1-gosport-borough/

Two Fat Ladies

Charlton Athletic  5  Mansfield Town  0

FA Challenge Cup – First Round Replay

My two Grandma’s were wonderful people.

Chalk and cheese in many ways, but so alike in others. They developed a close bond with each other, and every year, until it became impossible, they would have a week’s holiday in Blackpool, staying at the Sheraton Hotel.

The holiday used to be made up of food and drink, trips out, shows and of course bingo. My Grandma on my Dad’s side was a bingo fanatic. Of course, both of them loved a laugh, and my Dad and Uncle spent many a Christmas poking harmless fun at them as we sat around the dinner table on the 25^th, as was tradition.

It was one Christmas while we were playing bingo, that the caller (it may have been my Mum), cried out, “Two fat ladies, eighty eight”

Under his breath, one of the aforementioned men, responded with “Two fat Grandma’s”, which was met by chuckles from those of us within earshot. I seem to recall a stern glare from the bingo caller, while one of the Grandma’s piped up with “What are you lot laughing at?”. We quickly moved on…

I remember, again it would have been around the time when my passion for football was growing by the day, that I asked my Dad who had the biggest ground in the Football League, and his answer surprised me, for I was expecting either Old Trafford or Anfield.

The Site Of The Old Terrace

Charlton Athletic was the answer, apparently, holding 75,000 spectators. The Valley was a huge arena with a massive terrace that spread all the way down one side of the ground.  It didn’t last though, as following a financial crisis and subsequent administration, the new ‘phoenix’ club didn’t have ownership of the stadium, so in 1985 they left the Valley and embarked on periods ground sharing at both West Ham United and Crystal Palace. The club reached the top flight of English football, despite it’s problems, very soon after the club were reformed, and by 1991 work had begun on redeveloping the Valley following its acquisition, which in itself was a highly political process.

Respect

Following relegation, the club returned to the Premier League in 1998 after the epic Play Off Final against Sunderland, and remained there for one season before relegation, however they quickly bounced back and were top flight then until 2007. Since then they’ve moved between the second and third tier of English football, but in the period since getting back to the Valley, the ground has been redeveloped superbly into a 27,000 capacity stadium, which during the Premiership years was always full to capacity.

I never ever got to see a game at the Valley though, but, as luck would have it, with a two night stay in Milton Keynes on the horizon, the Addicks managed to draw their FA Cup First Round tie at Mansfield Town, so the replay was scheduled perfectly to allow a visit.

Jimmy Seed Stand

Tickets were on offer at just £15, so the whole thing had fallen nicely into place. The journey through heavy rain was going perfectly well until I reached the Blackwall Tunnel, and I have to say, I’m just glad that doesn’t form part of my daily commute, what a nightmare it is getting through that at tea time!

Once through and past the O2 Arena, it was a left turn towards Woolwich and some pre-researched street parking was found with ease. I’d arrived early so went in search of sustenance, and that came via a five minute walk up a hill which took me to Charlton Village, a very nice area with a busy main street housing pubs, café’s and restaurants. It was certainly a very different area than that I’d parked in, and also something of a contrast to the general vicinity around the Valley.

Fed and watered, it was time to walk back down the hill, with fantastic evening views of the brightly lit Canary Wharf and the City. With a crowd of less than 2,000 expected at the game, it was fair to say that it wasn’t especially busy around the stadium, and the fact it was tipping it down was never going to drag the casual punter out of the front door.

The Valley is impressive, the old Jimmy Seed stand sits behind the West goal and housed the 300 or so who had travelled from Mansfield, while the rest of the ground is effectively one structure that runs round three sides. The only area open to home fans was the lower tier of the main stand, with the East goal tall and empty. What was the old South terrace is now a sharply banked single tier of seating, a far cry from the days when it was the single biggest terrace in English football.

Tickets Available

The game was an interesting one played in an atmosphere that reminded me of a Youth Team game. It was a case of ‘take your pick’ when it came to the seats so I chose the padded ones in front of the executive boxes!

Charlton took the lead through the impressive Lyle Tyler in the eleventh minute, but to be fair, Mansfield had plenty of chances to find parity, but just lacked a touch of composure in the penalty area to find the back of the net.

Taylor netted a second goal just after half time and then a third goal arrived through Mark Marshall with ten minutes to go, albeit in controversial circumstances when Mansfield shaped up for a free kick that they thought had been awarded to them, only to see it go the other way with the team completely out of place.

Taylor then scored his hat-trick goal with a sublime chip, before Nicky Ajose got the fifth goal for Charlton in injury time. 5-0 was probably a bit harsh on the Stags who’s first half performance must have given them hope of getting something from the game.

Take Your Pick

Escape from the general  vicinity from the Valley was easy, and the Blackwall Tunnel at 10pm was not an issue. The rain continued to pour though and the driving up the M11 and round the M25 with the various European number plates having no idea of the Highway Code was enough to keep me on my guard. Milton Keynes was reached just after 11pm, and ground number 88 had been chalked off in terms of doing the 92.

And we go the full circle, with this being ground 88, it just reminded me of those two lovely Grandma’s of mine.  They both quite liked football, and both of them were around when Derby County won the FA Cup in 1946, and who did they beat, Charlton Athletic of course….

Little Ireland

Cleator Moor Celtic  4  AFC Blackpool  1

North West Counties League – Division One North

Believe me, it’s a bloody long way to Cleator Moor.

For historical reasons, the Cumbrian town was once known as ‘Little Ireland’, but trust me, I got to ‘Big Ireland’ quicker once despite having to change airports after a flight cancellation and then hang around waiting for a crew to be found!

Yes, after three and three quarter hours on the road, we finally pulled into the car park at the home of the club that is certainly an outpost as far as the North West Counties League is concerned.

Once it became clear that the former Wearside League club had been admitted to Step 6, it fell firmly onto my radar, and also my mate Pete’s as well. We agreed to travel in tandem to it, you need two to play I-Spy as it gets a bit tedious with just one of you!

Scenery

We pondered which way to go, firstly do you go M6, or do you go A1 and A66? In the end we opted for the M6, but then we were torn between getting off at South Lakes and following the Barrow road, or, go up to Penrith and go via Keswick and Cockermouth. We chose the Penrith option.

Cleator Moor is located around four miles East of Whitehaven, not far from the Sellafield Nuclear Plant. It’s a small town that was originally built around the iron industry, and it saw an influx of Irish coming over the water to take advantage of the employment, hence the Little Ireland nickname.

The iron industry went by the wayside, as did the Kangol (leisurewear) factory in 2009, so now Sellafield is the main employer in the area, with over 50% of the working population on the payroll. Despite that, unemployment remains comparatively high.

Structures

Interestingly though, when you read about the history of the town, one thing that jumps out are the instances of sectarian trouble in the nineteenth century. Violence was not uncommon as the Irish Catholic and Protestant communities warred with each other.

Sporting wise, it’s a pretty well known fact that Cleator Moor is also the home to one of the biggest names in Amateur Rugby League, Wath Brow Hornets. The Hornets won the National Cup in both 2004 and 2005, while the National Conference was won in 2012.

Cleator Moor Celtic were formed in 1909 and have played at McGrath Park ever since. They reached the First Round Proper of the FA Cup in 1950 losing 5-0 to Tranmere Rovers in a game played at Workington’s Borough Park. The club joined the Wearside League in 1988 which in itself involved some significant travelling, where they remained until 1995 before leaving. They re-joined again in 2004 until the end of last season whereby they finished runner-up and gained promotion.

Looking West

Interestingly enough as well, in terms of famous players, Scott Carson, the current goalkeeper at Derby County, played for Celtic from junior level right through to the first team before signing for Leeds United. He has of course gained international honours for England during his long career.

The scenery, not only as you head into Cumbria along the M6, but also as you head down towards Keswick, alongside Bassenthwaite Lake, and then into Cleator Moor itself with Dent Fell as the backdrop is quite breath taking. Once parked up and having had a chat with the friendly and helpful fella on the gate, we made our way to a nearby café (Scoffs) for some lunch. Cleator Moor is a small town and the centre is effectively the Ennerdale Road, upon which the bulk of the shops, eateries and drinkeries are located. Post food it was time for a quick pint in the packed Moffats, and it seems a 

Saturday lunchtime beverage is very much a popular pastime in the town!

The Shadows Lengthen

The ground is only a couple of minutes walk from the centre of the town, and once through the gate you’ve got a large two story building to your right with the dressing rooms on the ground floor and an impressive clubhouse on the top floor. The walls are bedecked in club memorabilia, but also, as you might expect, lots of memorabilia for the Glaswegian club that share a similar name, and indeed a kit of green and white hoops.

To the right of the building is a small area of covered terracing of the Atcost variety, while the remainder of the ground is hard standing, with of course floodlights. The views across to the hills is of course spectacular, and even more so as twilight befell McGrath Park.

The game was a belter. It started off almost instantly with a moment of controversy. The hosts kicked off and played a ball diagonally to the touchline, and it was all set to run out of play for a throw in to AFC Blackpool, until it struck the linesman and remained in play. A Cleator Moor player was quickest to react, he moved the ball towards the danger area and then of course Leigh Dunn was on hand to give them the lead inside something like thirty seconds.

More Scenery

Blackpool went nuts, but what could the referee do? He consulted with the linesman, who I’m sure he thanked for putting him in such a nightmarish position no sooner had the game started, but the goal had to stand, Blackpool were not happy at all.

Still seething, it got worse when Dunn then made it 2-0 moments later, before Stuart Shaw made it 3-0. A rout looked on, but then things took another twist just before the break.

A handbags situation between Shaw and Stephen Betteridge saw the hosts player get a straight red compared to the visitors yellow, and you almost felt it was the opportunity the referee needed to try and even things up a little.

As the game moved into the second period, Cleator Moor visibly tired as Blackpool took advantage of the extra man. A goal came in the 70^th minute through Jack Taylor, and you felt that if a second goal could be found, we would have one hell of a finish. It wasn’t to be though, as minutes from the end Liam Johnson got a fourth for the Celts to well and truly make the game safe.

The vociferous home crowd went home happy, while the visitors will feel very frustrated about the way the game panned out. That said, you couldn’t argue with the fact that the points went to the right team in the end.

People & Stuff

It felt like a long way when we set off in the morning, it felt an even longer way as we got back into the car and contemplated the journey back. But, you have to give huge credit to Cleator Moor Celtic, because other than derbies against Holker Old Boys and Carlisle City, they have got to spend some serious hours on the road this season. At Step 6, a journey to Shelley for example is a good three and a half hours, and while visitors to McGrath Park only have to do the epic journey once a season, Celtic have to do it almost every other week.

For that, they’ve got my utmost respect.     

Epiphany

Eastwood Hanley  3  Warstones Wanderers  0

Staffordshire FA Vase

I think they call it an ‘Epiphany’….

Can’t quite recall the year, but let’s work on the assumption it would have been some time around 1983.

At that time, I thought I knew it all when it came to football, despite being only eleven years old. You see, I had a Panini sticker album so I could tell you the name of the every First Division footballer, the nicknames of the clubs, and also the grounds they played at.

I also had an old Rothman’s annual from 1978, and that told me all I needed to know about clubs outside of the top flight, whereas  as someone who had started to watch a bit of non-league football, well of course I had a copy of the Non-League Directory.

The font of all knowledge, the oracle, it was frightening, my parents wanted to send me away for tests as they’d seen this phenomenon before when I was just four years of age and could sit on the Belper to Fritchley bus and recite the name, make and model of every car we passed on the journey.

I was special, in another era I probably would have been called Rainman, today I would probably get a blue badge and my wife could claim carers allowance, and I guess thinking about it, it might be something to explore maybe……?

So, I was a smartarse cleverdick, or so everyone who came across me probably thought. But, even geniuses get things wrong, but me, I got it wrong twice in a very short space of time…

The first schoolboy error, for a schoolboy of course, was that Port Vale FC had gone under the radar. You see, I was familiar with clubs having names that didn’t relate to where they played, like Arsenal, and QPR.  But, I never for one moment considered that Port Vale might actually be from Stoke-on-Trent. In fact, I don’t know where I thought they were from, it was as though I’d had a full frontal lobotomy, I was appalled at myself and sought punishment by memorising the complete playing record of the Valiants in the 1977-78 season.

It got worse though, some months later when I was getting most excited about the mechanics of the North West Counties League, I was looking at the teams and making a mental snapshot of where they were located. The list was quite straightforward, Accrington, Winsford, Leek, Horwich, and so it went on, but, again, for some inexplicable reason Eastwood Hanley ended up being conjoined with Nottinghamshire based Eastwood Town….

Eastwood Hanley

It was only some time afterwards when I was reading the UK Road Atlas (as I often did at a bedtime), did I spot a street plan of Hanley and put the two together. Bolt upright I leapt from my bed, dug out the non-league guide and wept uncontrollably, how can I have done it twice, in the same City!!

It never went away , so much so that when I turned eighteen and completed my A-Levels, I was only going to go to one location to do my degree, and that was going to be Stoke-on-Trent. I was going to become a local football expert, I would gain a BA (Honours) in Potteries Football Studies, I would become Neil Baldwin’s best mate up at Keele, I was never going to feel so foolish again.

In my very early University years, 1991 to be precise, I used to drive to Keele along the Leek Road which ran alongside the old Eastwood Hanley ground at Trentmill Road. I knew where they played as I had a Street Map of Stoke-on-Trent on my bedroom wall, forget the tennis player baring her arse cheek, it was a map for me!

I drove up to the ground once and had a look, it was run down and suffered from vandalism. I never did get to see them play as they soon moved out and ground shared for a period at both Kidsgrove Athletic and Newcastle Town.

Originally a Mid-Cheshire League side in the sixties, they spent many seasons in the West Midlands Regional League before joining the Cheshire League in 1978. This then morphed into the North West Counties League where they remained until 1987 when they became founder members of the Northern Premier League First Division.

They remained in the NPL until the early nineties where they suffered relegation back to the NWC, and then managed to survive albeit nomadically until 1997 when they left the league and folded

But, in 2014 a local club adopted the name again, they joined the Staffordshire County Senior League, and had a plan to eventually get the club back to its original home at Trentmill Road.

It’s taking time though, when I first saw them in action they were ground sharing further up the Leek Road at the Milton United ground, while Trentmill Road was being used for friendlies and junior games due to a lack of facilities. I did see a pre-season game at Trentmill Road, where some of the old terracing still remains, however vandalism is still an issue, and as it stands the club are still waiting to install suitable dressing rooms.

They did apply to join the North West Counties League at the end of last season but clearly without the facilities that wasn’t going to be possible. They spent last season at Stone Dominoes, whereas this season they’ve moved onto the 3G surface at the Northwood Stadium, again, which is just off the Leek Road.

It was time to go and have another look at Eastwood Hanley.

Main Stadium

I went to the Northwood Stadium a few years ago, only to find the game had been postponed. I can’t remember who was using it at the time but I ended up going to Hanley Town instead. At that time the resident club were playing on the main pitch which sits inside the running track, whereas now, Eastwood‘s base sits outside of the main stadium.

The ground is the typical artificial surface, inside a cage, with one side accessible for spectators. The club charge £3 admission but for that you also get a free programme which was very professionally produced and contained plenty of reading material.

A modest crowd of around 30 turned up to watch Eastwood, who are a Step 7 side, take on Warstones Wanderers from the Wolverhampton area who compete in the West Midlands Regional League at Step 8.

Liam Robinson opened the scoring in the second minute for Eastwood and for the opening stages they were well on top and a rout looked a possibility. Mark Shallcross then netted a second goal later in the first period to give the hosts a comfortable half time lead.

In fairness to Warstones, they looked much more organised in the second period and started to create some chances, but a third goal came from Charlie Cooke who netted from close range to secure the victory. That goal took the wind out of Warstones sails and any chance of a comeback was well and truly snuffed out.

And that was it, it was time to go home and read the road atlas again, but not before I’d framed my certificate in Potteries Football Studies, it took a lot of work to get that……

Stick Insects

Clay Cross Town  3  Ashbourne  0

Derbyshire Senior Cup

“Stick Insects – 4 For A Pound”

It was the sign that stood at the side of the small driveway of a house that sat almost on the junction of the traffic lights as you entered Clay Cross from the South, and for over ten years I passed it almost every working day.

When I landed my first job in Financial Services I was based in Chesterfield, that was in 1999, and up until a change of role which came about in 2012, my daily commute took me through ‘The Cross’.

It didn’t change an awful lot, other than the readily available supply of stick insects, you could get your hair cut at Scissor Sisters, while cheap second hand furniture could be obtained from Pop’s Attic or Jack’s Interiors. Moving further along, T Nutt & Sons could provide you with a carpet whereas if motorbikes was your passion, then CMC Motorcycles was the place to be, situated just before you got to the Snooker Centre on the other side of the road.

Clay Cross has changed a bit since though, firstly a massive Tesco that seems wholly out of proportion to the size of the town has appeared, which in turn has re-routed some of the motorway traffic, while a new pub with purpose built roundabout called the Six Halts has appeared as you leave to the North.

Footballing wise in that time things have changed a fair bit as well.

The Stand

When I were a wee scrote back in the Eighties, it was Clay Cross Works who competed in the Central Midlands League down at the old ground on John Street. I remember seeing them play at Belper Town in a Derbyshire Senior Cup tie in 1983 and they were unlucky to lose 1-0.

I remember the game vividly to be fair because a Clay Cross player broke his leg and was stretchered into to the clubhouse until an ambulance arrived. It was a freezing cold day and he lay shivering on the stretcher while I sat a short distance away, trying to keep out of the cold. I also remember that day because I ended up feeling ill on the way back and finished up honking back at my Grandma’s in Mickleover!

They changed their name to Biwater in 1988, reflecting the change in ownership of the Works that the club were linked to, but in 1994 they seemingly disappeared from senior football.

What A Surface!

Parkhouse Football Club, named after a small area to the East of the town, had been around playing in local football for many years, but first came to prominence with myself in the early noughties when they joined the Midlands Regional Alliance. Playing in the Holmgate area of the town that is as far West as you can go compared to Parkhouse, I first saw them play against Derbyshire Amateurs and was impressed with what they seemed to be building at the Mill Lane ground.

Promotion was earned to the Central Midlands League in 2007, and by 2010 they had reached the Supreme Division and Step 7. Something was niggling away though at the club, and it was a matter of identity. The only links with Parkhouse now was the name, so with a view to creating closer links with Clay Cross itself, and giving the ‘town’ a club of its own, the decision was taken to change the name to Clay Cross Town.

It wasn’t met with universal popularity I’m told, with some of the Parkhouse custodians not being 100% behind the move, but from a profile and commercial point of view it was the right thing to do.

A Great Night For Stick Insects

Clay Cross Town began life in 2012-13, and since then they have made no secret of their intentions to take the club up to Step 6. 2016-17 was a cruel one as they looked nailed on to do it, but then right at the death they were pipped by FC Bolsover who beat them on goal difference to win the championship. They finished runners up again last season, this time to Harworth Colliery, promotion was again denied.  The trouble with the Central Midlands League is that across its two divisions, a large number of clubs both want to, and are capable from a facilities point of view, of getting promotion, so you have to win the league to go up. Whereas take something like the Sheffield County Senior League for example, so few clubs want to go up, you only need to finish top five to do it!

Clay Cross, along with the likes of Pinxton and Hucknall, if anything are victims of geography.

They are very proud of the facilities at Mill Lane. The pitch is an absolute belter, and groundsman Lee is very proud of it, quite rightly so, even if he does have an ’influence’ on local referees when it comes to inspections and any doubt needs to be ironed out!

They’ve done some great work to the facilities, building a small stand, installing floodlights, laying hard standing, creating a pay booth, putting in a committee room and of course running a thriving tea bar! They’ve also always prided themselves on producing an excellent programme, but then I’m going to say that as they’ve published a couple of my articles over the years!

So, with ten league wins from ten games this season, is the side run by local footballing legend Ant Lynam and co-manager Andrew Thornton finally at the point where they are going to get the promotion they both want and deserve? I thought I’d go and have a look, via Batemans Mill for some refreshment beforehand as always, and take in the County Cup tie against Staffordshire County Senior League side Ashbourne.

Shading

Clay Cross won the game 3-0 thanks to three second half goals from Grant Mitchell (really?), Josh Parfitt and Josh Scully, and to be fair they were comfortable throughout against an Ashbourne side that battled hard but lacked a cutting edge to hurt the hosts.

The County Cup is not the priority for Cross, the league is, and this time round I have a feeling they’ll make damn sure that they got that long awaited promotion. Crowds are decent, the club is very well run and they have some great facilities. They’ll be a welcome and worthy addition to whatever league they get promoted into, and that of course is another story!

As a footnote, the Stick Insects aren’t for sale anymore, and haven’t been for some time, but then last Summer something really bizarre happened.

I went to a Beer Festival at Belper Rugby Club, and as I was queuing up to buy a real lager, I looked up at some of the memorabilia behind the bar, and there it was, the sign, which had either been donated or possibly stolen (you know what rugby lads are like on the way back from an away game).

“Stick Insects – 4 For A Pound” – sat proudly on the wall, I bet they taste nice with a pint of Carling…..

The Stand Again

November Air

Mildenhall Town  2  Coggeshall Town  4

Isthmian League – Division One North

“There’s no mistake, I smell that smell, it’s that time of year again, I can taste the air, clocks go back…..”

The opening line from ‘Local Boy In The Photograph’ by the Stereophonics, and while the lyrical meaning of the song means something very different, that introduction just reminds me so much of watching football in November.

We are very much into Autumn, the bonfires are burning and the nights are darker, and yes, it does smell and taste very different, in fact it’s best time of the year to be alive!

Football today was somewhat limited, as my main list at the start of the season of clubs to conquer was down to just four, but, none of them were at home, so attention had to be diverted to the secondary list, which is effectively eighty or so clubs at Steps 1 to 4 that have yet to have the pleasure of a Bobbling!

The Business Side

Mildenhall stood out for me, I’d never seen them play before, nor had I seen Essex based opponents Coggeshall Town. Having driven close to the town on the way down to Suffolk at the end of August, I reckoned I could smash it in two and a half hours, and with a bit of luck have time for a swift one in the clubhouse.

Other than the speed restrictions before Cambridge, and along the North edge of the City on the A14, it was a relatively simple journey listening to the dulcet tones of Frank Skinner, before diverting to a bit of Five Live for the egg chasing build up. Mildenhall was reached almost bang on the time predicted and after initially driving to the wrong entrance at the town centre based ground, I found my way to the large public car park that the club has use of.

Mildenhall is an interesting town, it’s the home of the huge RAF Mildenhall Air Force base, which is largely made up of the US Air Force using it as a refuelling centre, hence a large number of Americans residing in and around the town. However, in early 2016, the Ministry of Defence announced that it was to be close. A stone’s throw away is also RAF Lakenheath, which serves a similar purpose, but here are stationed the F15 fighter wing of the US military, the boys who mean business in other words!

Autumnal

In terms of sport though, football isn’t the premier pastime in the town. The town is famous for its speedway track, located a little way out of the town, where the Mildenhall Fen Tigers ride. To be fair, they did compete at the lowest level last season, the National League, although they did go on to win it. In the past though, they have competed at a higher level, without ever being one of the big names in the sport. In a sport where teams are struggling and tracks are closing, it’s good to see the Fen Tigers thriving.

But what about the football club though?

Founder members of the new First Division of the Eastern Counties League in 1988, they won promotion to the Premier Division in 1999, where they remained until 2016-17 season whereby they won the championship for the very first time, and with it earned promotion to the Isthmian League.

Their first season was something of a struggle with a third bottom finish, but they survived, whereas so far this season it’s still been tough, with the club again sat close to the drop zone three months in.

The ground couldn’t be closer to a town centre, and on one of those lovely Autumnal days, a crowd of 181 turned up to watch the hosts take on a side that is owned and funded by music star Olly Murs.

Town Centre?

With a beer festival in full swing in the clubhouse, I opted for the decent thing and stuck to Carlsberg, while taking the opportunity to survey the scene. Much of the furniture is down one side of the ground, with the dressing room block adjoining the club house and tea bar. In front of the building is a very small area of covered bench seating, while a separate area of covered terracing sits further up the touchline, beyond the end of the clubhouse.

On the opposite side is the obligatory Atcost stand filled with yellow and black seats, while the pitch has a very smart black and yellow fence round it that looks like a recent addition. No other cover is in place, while four floodlight pylons provide the illumination.

It was tidy, it was smart and it was a welcoming ground, but with the pitch having a noticeable slope from end to end, how did the game fare?

Well, Olly’s team got a bit of a shock when the hosts took a third minute lead through Jarid Robson, but by half time it was all smiles for the Essex boys, who have been promoted three times in successive seasons, when Joshua Pollard and Ross Wall got the goals to put them into the lead.

The Atcost

Coggeshall, who had actually been spelt in four different ways in the clubs programme, the correct way, plus ‘Coggershall’, ‘Coggleshall’ and ‘Cogglershall’, looked an impressive side as the second half wore on, getting further goals from Samuel Bantick and Thomas Monk. Mildenhall did add a second through Emmanuel Osei-Owuso, but to be fair, there was no doubting who deserved the three points.

Back into the Mildenhall early evening darkness we trudged at the final whistle, I could smell that smell, I could taste the air, it’s definitely that time of year again, a time when football truly comes into its own.

The best time of the year, no mistake…..